FIRST BLOG POST

So I made it to the  end of this path. I was running all the way to the end of it.  Elementary school, highschool, college, first kiss, first vacation without parents, first paycheck and first love. That last one was most important. So important that I left everything I gathered like a little ant for almost twenty years.  I moved to the land of dreams with two suitcases.  He waited for me at the airport. We did not see each other for over 600 days. My knees were soft as I was looking for familiarities in his face.  I was so scared that everything I felt was just my imagination, that there was no true love and he was not the one. I was scared that I made the biggest mistake of my life like many other women before me. trying to see something which is not there, something which is just wishful thinking, that little soft exhale when looking into a candle in a dark room.

He hugged me the same, as he did before. In the car he had me a fleece hoodie, coke and some sweets waiting for me. I was shaking and still felt tears from the moment I was saying goodbye to my family in Warsaw. I still saw their faces, they were smiling and waving and I was burning inside. Every drop of joy that I am going to see him was burned by sorrow and sadness.  I felt as if I was going not to be able to see them again and watching part of myself die. I held his hand in the car on the way to OUR home from the airport feeling soooo painfully  conflicted. Our home was as exactly as I dreamed, a little white house, cozy, clean and ours.  Bathroom had cosmetics for me and fridge food I liked. He tried sooo hard to make me feel as if I was home, as I never left when I visited him that 600 days before.

First couple weeks I was in shock, scared and lost. I did not understand all the words in English, everything I did  required soo much effort. I was scared to check mail as some neighbor would try to strike conversation. After a month he proposed with a ring on a tiny couch eating frozen pizza and watching Soprano. I cried…from happiness and from sorrow. I could not run and show it to my mom and my friends, I could not share this moment with anyone close to me in Poland. I was coming to the end of my path.

We made our wedding arrangements in a hurry. I was scared to be excited, because I knew that my mom would not see me walking in white dress to be married. I knew how sad she was and how much she was missing me. My tears kept flowing and sadness kept choking my breath.  In all of this sadness, sorrow, confusion I was packing our little home up because we were also moving to different states.  There was no time to wallow and. breathe through. We had 90 days to get married from the moment my feet touched US soil and then pack all he had and move to a different state. It felt as if I was on a roller coaster without a seat belt.

The Wedding was simple, in a chapel not far from his hometown. I brought my wedding dress with me from Poland. hand made by a seamstress, very simple because I could not afford anyhting else. I was in a fog of all emotions. Before my wedding day I called my mom. I cried so much. I was scared that I made a huge mistake, that I am hurting my family for someone I really do not know. Most people spend years together before making the decision of getting married. They have a chance to get to know each other. They live together, go on vacation and I just…well met him 4 years ago in Poland.

We dated for 6 month before he got orders to go back to the US. We spent so little time together during those four years. Our relationship was based on hundreds of emails and chats over the internet. We both survived but was that enough?  My mom was trying to calm me down, but I was so aware of the pain I was causing to everyone who I left behind. That night I took some sleep aid and fell asleep quickly exhausted by all my emotions. The next day passed quickly . I was focused on him. He was my rock and compass. That’s where my joy was. I hold that feeling for dear life.

Dress fitted me like a glove.  Simple corset, skirt and short vail. 3 roses bouquet , hair in french twist, pink short nails. His sister in law was there for me. She helped to get dressed and cried when I stood in front of the mirror, in an empty room without my family around. I was just shaking, holding tears. I did not want to cry on the first day of my new life. At the altar I saw only his face. I was truly happy. I felt safe and confident. I made it to the end of this path.

Last Monday was 4 months since we got married. We are learning harmony, balance and compromise . We are good, I am happy. I was always afraid to use that word …”happy”. It seems as though so many people are scared to admit it .If you ask them if they are truly happy they will be scared to say it, not to jinx it. I learned that the direction of our path, all efforts to build it the way we want is all in our hands. The only thing in a way is our fear. There is not such a thing as an unreachable goal but only fear of what it takes to follow your path to the end.